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Who escaped?

Episode. 03

By 9월 14, 20205월 17th, 202181 Comments

거짓말

2011년 6월 8일

밤마다 기도한다. 내일은 오늘과 다른 하루가 되게 해달라고. 음악실에서 뒷정리를 마치고 돌아갔더니 아무도 없었다. 책상에 교복 타이며 치마가 널브러져 있었다. 부랴부랴 사물함으로 갔는데 있어야 할 체육복이 보이지 않았다. 가방 속을 살피고 신발주머니도 탈탈 털어보고 다른 애들의 책상 고리에 걸린 쇼핑백도 뒤져보았다. 두툼해 보여서, 혹시나 내 옷이 저기에 있나 하고.

내 이름이 박힌 체육복이 없는 것을 확인하고 조금은 안도했다. 간절한 마음으로 다시 한 번 사물함을 확인했지만 마찬가지였다. 마음이 급했다. 곧 종이 칠 것 같았다. 결국 교복 바람으로 운동장에 나갔다. 뛰어오다가 주머니에 있던 휴대폰까지 떨어뜨렸다. 체육 선생님의 일그러진 표정이 보였다.

벌로 팔 벌려 높이뛰기를 백 번이나 하고 야구 연습을 시작했다. 몸이 말을 듣지 않았다. 선생님의 구령대로 이미지 트레이닝을 해봐도 배트를 쥔 팔에 힘이 실리지 않았다. 다리가 후들거려서 날아오는 공을 맞힐 수 없었다. 배트 무게를 견디지 못하고 어깨로 가져가는 바람에 폼도 엉거주춤해졌다.

뒤에서 키득거리는 소리가 들렸고, 쟤는 툭 하면 비실거리더라, 이죽거리는 소리도 들렸다. 다른 아이들은 남색 체육복을 입고서 일정한 간격으로 공을 쳐 내는데 나만 고장 난 기계처럼 그 일정함에 균열을 냈다.

배트 아래로 보이는 치맛자락이 펄럭거렸다. 바람이 치마를 들치기라도 한 것처럼 얼굴이 화끈거렸다. 체육 시간이 끝나자마자 화장실로 달려가 문을 잠그고 숨죽여 울었다. 내가 바란 건 그리 대단한 것이 아니다. 아주 조금 특별한 하루를 바랐을 뿐이다.

하늘 위의 누군가 정말 이 말을 듣고 있을까. 어쩌면 들어주지 못할 만큼 커다란 소망인 걸까.

 

2011년 11월 15일

지은이 집에 모이기로 한 전날 밤 어찌나 긴장했는지 모른다. 과학 수행평가로 노래 멜로디에 가사를 붙여 부르는 과제가 주어졌는데 그러려면 방과 후 시간을 내서 조원들이 모여야 하고, 그러다 보면 개인적인 이야기나 장난들이 마구 오가는 시간이 생긴다. 단체 속에서 붕 뜨지 않으려면 언제나 노력해야 한다. 나 같은 아이들은 남들과 좀처럼 섞이지 못하니까.

다른 아이들이 연예인 소식을 속속들이 공유하고 아이돌 음악에 열을 올릴 때마다 나는 조용히 교실 뒤에서 비틀즈와 콜드플레이를 듣고 그림을 그렸다. 주류에서 밀려나 보면 어느새 혼자 있었다. 그럼 자연스럽게 자존감이 낮아진다. 나의 진짜 모습을 사람들 앞에 제대로 보인 적 없다.

하지만 친구들은 모두 착했고, 나도 제법 잘 어울렸다. 아마도 피아노 연주 때문인가. 대중가요는 식상할 것 같아서 피아노로 즉석 연주를 해보았다. 혼자만의 취미인데 보자마자 스스럼없이 앉아서 건반을 두들기게 되었다. 그러다 정신이 번쩍 들었고 급하게 일어나다가 의자가 바닥에 끌렸다. 자세도 어색해져서 바보가 된 것 같았다.

그런데 뜻밖의 일이 일어났다. 아이들이 더 연주해달라고 요청한 것이다. 중학교에 올라와, 아니 기억하는 한 학교생활을 하면서 지금처럼 주목을 받은 적은 없다. 오늘을 기점으로 조금은 다른 학교생활이 펼쳐질 수 있을까. 모처럼 산뜻한 예감이 든다. 이 예감이 꼭 맞았으면 좋겠다.

 

2011년 11월 24일

밤새워 음악을 만들었다. 피아노 반주에 기타 선율도 얹었다. 친구들이 좋아해 줬고, 우습게도 나는 슈퍼스타가 된 기분을 살짝 느꼈다. 발표 날, 나는 차례를 기다리면서 머릿속으로 시뮬레이션을 돌려보았다. 내가 만든 노래를 부르고 사람들의 입이 떡 벌어지고 서른여섯 명의 시선, 일흔 두 개의 눈이 나를 향하는 짜릿한 상상. 나는 온 마음을 다해 기도하는 사람처럼 우주의 기운을 내 안으로 빨아들였다. 다른 조의 노래가 끝날 때마다 힘차게 박수를 쳤지만, 머릿속에는 오직 한 가지 멜로디만이 맴돌았다.

드디어 차례가 되었다. 나는 녹음해 온 시디를 컴퓨터 본체에 넣고 조원들과 교단에 섰다. 노래를 마치자 박수가 터져 나왔다. 가슴 속에서 조그만 포도알 같은 것이 몽글몽글하게 피어오르는 것을 느꼈다. 선생님이 무슨 음악이냐고 물었고 노래가 무척 좋다는 말을 덧붙였다. 나는 엷게 퍼지는 미소를 숨길 수 없었다.

막 대답할 생각으로 입술을 뗀 순간, 내 옆에 있던 아이가 번쩍 손을 들었다. 그 애는 제가 만들었어요, 라고 말했다. 그 아이는 선생님과 몇 마디를 주고받았고 악기 연주도 직접 했느냐, 재능이 대단하다 따위의 칭찬을 들었다. 입술을 살짝 벌렸던 나는 그대로 얼어붙었다. 바보같이, 아무 말도 못했다.

그 아이가 대답을 가로 챘을 때 난 단지 노래만 빼앗긴 게 아니다. 온전한 내 것을 만들면서 느꼈던 행복과 앞날에 대한 기대감을 송두리째 빼앗겼다. 친구들에게 내가 좋아하는 것을 말하고 그들이 공감해 주는, 보통의 중학생에게는 평범한 미래가 사라졌다. 몸에서 소중한 기관 하나가 떨어져 나간 것처럼 아팠다.

Deception

June 8th, 2011

Every night I pray. Please let tomorrow be different from today. After cleaning up the back of the music room, I went back to the homeroom. Nobody was there. My classmates’ desks were scattered with their school ties, skirts, and uniforms. I rushed to my locker to get changed into my gym uniform, but it wasn’t there. I checked inside my bag and even shook out my shoe pouch. It wasn’t there. I even checked the shopping bags that were hanging off of my classmates’ desks because it looked like they were lumpy enough to have clothes in them. None of them were mine.

I felt relieved knowing that none of them had my name on it. Desperately, I checked my locker once again, but still nothing. I started panicking. Time was running out, and the bell was about to ring. I had no choice but to run out to the schoolyard in my school uniform. While running, my cell phone fell out of my pocket. I noticed the scowl on my gym teacher’s face.

As a punishment, I had to do one hundred jumping jacks before practicing for baseball. My body was not functioning correctly, like the way I wanted it. I even tried to follow what my teacher had instructed, but the bat was too heavy for my arms. My legs were shaking and couldn’t hit the balls coming my way. I was carrying too much of the bat’s weight on my shoulders, making my posture look stupid and awkward.

I heard snickering coming from the back.

“She is so weak at everything that she does.”

I even heard some people bickering at me. Everyone else was hitting the ball wearing their regular navy colored gym uniforms, and here I was like a broken machine, out of place, and out of line.

Below the bat, my skirt was flapping around. My face turned red, embarrassed as if the wind had lifted my skirt. As soon as the gym class ended, I ran to the bathroom, locked the doors, and cried without trying to make any sound. I wasn’t expecting anything marvelous. I just wanted to experience a day that felt extra special.  Is there someone up there really listening to me? Or am I just praying for something impossible?

 

November 15th, 2011

I was so nervous the night before meeting at Jieun’s house to discuss our group assignment. For our science class, our teacher asked us to make up a song and lyrics for our performance assessments. Our group decided to meet after school, but it always ended up where everyone got distracted, fooled around, and talked about their issues. Well, everyone except me, because people like me are different from others. I needed to take extra measures to be careful so that I don’t end up sticking out like a sore thumb.

When everyone else was talking about the new celebrity gossips and the hottest K-Pop songs, I would be in the back, quietly drawing while listening to The Beatles and Coldplay through my headphones. Because I wasn’t a part of the majority of the group, I felt alone, and my self-esteem would naturally decrease. I have never really revealed who I truly was in front of them.

However, my group members were friendly, and I was able to get along with them. I think it’s because of the time when I played on the piano. I saw one and immediately sat down and played on it without any hesitation. Rather than the redundant hit songs that are often overplayed, I improvised and played like I usually enjoy doing when I am by myself. When I came to my sense, I quickly shot out of the chair, making it drag against the floor. I must’ve looked stupid and awkward.

But rather than laughing at me like I thought my classmates would, something unexpected happened. They asked me to play some more. I have never received this much attention in years of not just middle school, but my whole entire years of attending school.

Starting from this point on, will my life in school become different? I got a good feeling about this, and I hope that I am not wrong.

 

November 24th, 2011

I stayed up all night to write a song. I even made a tune with the guitar to go along with the piano. I let my friends listen to it, and they liked it. It’s silly, but I sort of felt like a superstar. On the day of our performance, while waiting for our turn, I kept imagining this scenario in my head.

After finishing my song, all seventy-two eyes from the thirty-six heads will be looking at me with their mouth open.

Just thinking about this made me thrilled. I prayed wholeheartedly, gathering in the power of the universe. I clapped loudly when other groups had finished performing, but in my head, all I heard was the repetition of my song.

Finally, it was our turn. I popped the CD inside the computer and joined my group on stage. As soon as we finished performing, the entire room erupted in applause. My teacher liked my song and wanted to know who wrote it. I felt bubbly inside and couldn’t stop smiling.

As I opened my mouth to answer, the girl next to me shot up her hands and said that she made the song. My teacher asked questions about how it was made, and if she played the instruments herself, and eventually said to the girl that she was extremely talented. With my mouth still gaping open, I stayed frozen, looking stupid and awkward.

This girl didn’t just take away my credit by deceivingly saying that the song was hers. She took away the joy I had while I was creating something that belonged to me. She took away all the expectations I had in hopes that this could somehow change my future. She tore and obliterated my chance of becoming an ordinary middle school student with friends who will listen and relate with my interests. I felt excruciating pain as if something vital had fallen out of my body.

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